[OOC/SIGNUP/ROLL20] Pathfinder: The Depths of Cetlicca

"As you might know, we demons lack much in the way of any kind of... personal freedom. I was a succubus, and like my many legions of sisters I was enslaved to one of the Demon Lords. I did many awful things, things I may never forgive myself for. My kind is capable of evils unimaginable, and I was no different. It was all I knew.

"There came a day when I came upon a simple farmer. I had other business, but I saw fit to tempt him into the darkness as I had so many others for so many centuries. But he resisted me. Just an ordinary man. There was no temptation I could create, no thought I could twist. His heart burned with a passion for another that scalded even my demonic hands to the touch.

"I suppose you think that strange. I've even been told it is rather cheesy. Perhaps it is. But I think mortals do not realize what they have. You are all free to love and pursue what you desire, with your whole hearts. That is something no Demon can do, not out of goodness or purity. It is our nature to corrupt and destroy. I was fascinated by it. I had glimpsed it for myself. Even touched it. And I wanted it more than anything that the Abyss could offer me.

"So I escaped.

"It was not so simple as it is to say, but those are hard memories for me. Such a betrayal of my own purpose was utter sacrilege, and I was punished severely at every turn. But I escaped. The realm of mortals was hard for me, but Sarenrae took notice of my plight. I was welcomed into a monastery, many miles away from here, and taught the ways of Sarenrae and of redemption.

"I was cleansed in body, but my soul still remains trapped in the Abyss, clutched in the abusive claws of the one thing in all this world I can say I truly hate.

"And one day I will get it back from him."

The flowery, cursive text of this book is written entirely in the Abyssal language of Demons, aside from some various phrases and terms taken from Common, making the diary appear somewhat confusing and intimidating to an uneducated reader. The hearts dotting every "I" are a cute touch, though.

Entry 1

My first day in the city of Cetlicca was rife with the typical ogling, gestures, and jeering that has followed me all across the Material Plane, and punctuated by violence shortly after entering the local tavern. A group of vagabonds attempted to set upon an old man, but I had scarcely stepped up to intervene before a plethora of characters rose up and made hasty work of the gang, undoubtedly injuring a few permanently with the force of their action.

Almost immediately after the dust had settled the old man, who introduced himself as Barthas, gathered us together and proposed the idea of a guild. After some deliberation, we were welcomed into "Barthas's Guild for Beginners," headquartered at the old man's home in the slums of Cetlicca.

Our ranks include Baldwin, a cleric of Abadar, Brock, a simple man from "the mountains" (the party has had little success prying any information from him though I personally suspect his simple-mindedness to be a facade), Ceoneral, a rather mysterious but very violent man, and Mai, a kitsune, who reminds me (somewhat disconcertingly) of myself, so many centuries ago.

It did not take long for them to settle into our new home, and I stayed watch over the night, writing in this diary that I have elected to keep for my stay in this town to distract myself. I intend to find a chapel of Sarenrae in the morning, where perhaps I might find temporary respite from lusting and fearful gazes and draw closer to my own lost soul.


Entry 2

It is not all, even within my own order, who would welcome me into their midst, for this morning though I found the local church of Sarenrae, I was turned away by the guards, who would not permit a demon to enter their grounds under the light of day. I was instructed instead to return at nightfall, where presumably the dark of the night would hide their shame. Even those who follow the goddess of redemption and the light of the sun find forgiveness and trust difficult with me, it would seem. I knew when I swore my oaths that this road would be a hard one, but it does not lessen the sting to know even in my order I am regarded not as an equal but as an abomination.

Barthas instructed us to seek out a street gang today, which had been attacking people in the streets and would be fairly simple to seek out. Sure enough, we had not been on patrol for very long before we came across a merchant being accosted by several men, including one from the scuffle in the tavern yesterday.

We attempted to bring them in peacefully, but unfortunately the negotiation broke down into violence very quickly. While we were able to arrest two, and talk a third into fleeing, the other 3 were brutally killed by members of our party.

A guard who had arrived afterwards said something that I may always remember about this day stronger than any of the violence. "They didn't hurt anyone bad enough to deserve that."

I cannot fault them for acting in self-defense, though I feel that such a sudden and gruesome end was needless for the extent of their crimes. They were only desperate street hoodlums in a city with great disparity of wealth. Their weapons were drawn with fearful hands, and for that mistake their lives have been cut short. I will pray that Sarenrae might favor their souls.


Entry 3

I have met a new member of our guild, an odd elf named Panmore. I am told he is but one of our newest additions, though I have yet to meet any of the others. If they are all anything like Panmore, we will certainly have our hands full.

We received our first payment from Barthas today, and so we decided to venture into the marketplace to spend our first wages. Panmore expressed curiosity about the gods, so I took the opportunity to take him with me to the chapel as I needed to make my offerings. He seemed to understand Sarenrae better when I brought up her connection to the sun and stars, though I think he still has much to grasp.

This time my entrance to the chapel was more easily granted, and I met with the priestess - an angel-born Aasimar, ironically enough - named Alya Tryst. I had heard much of the beauty of angels (sometimes paradoxically used in reference to myself) but only today have I seen it for myself. While she was initially uncomfortable with my demonic heritage, as has been typical for my life among mortals, Alya was refreshingly warm, offering her assistance in my search for my soul. She was unable to do anything directly but has promised to bring me word as soon as she hears something.

I have never truly been able to trust people here, perhaps for the same reasons they cannot trust me, but with her... it is different. I hope to see her again soon.

This night we met a different new face, an Oread guardsman named Ornstain, who, while having a somewhat strict outlook on his duties, was loyal to them nevertheless, and thus was important for us to find out who the "S.S." is behind the thugs and assassins attempting to kills us. We rescued him from a gang of Dark Folk, even managing to capture one, though only our guild leader Barthas possesses the means to negotiate with him.

I hope he does so quickly, as it has been my discovery that Dark Folk possess a stench like the dead...


Entry 4

My heart sings! Where to even begin or end with this wonderful day!

Today the entire guild was able to open up and speak with one another honestly, doing away with the lies and suspicion that have hung over our heads, it seems, since our first meeting. I shall keep their secrets safe and unwritten out of respect for them, but needless to say I will have much work on my hands helping my new friends to resolve their dilemmas.

The unity was brief, as we needed to go our separate ways and patrols once again, but with Panmore, Brock, Ceon, and Baldwin we embarked on a rather humorous errand to the home of one of Ceon's acquaintances, a Cloud Giantess named Mariette. I was the first to spot it, and Panmore after me, but it appears our wise old guild master still indulges from time to time. It seems Mariette was attempting to conceal him within her bosom, but that secret very rapidly fell apart as everyone attempted to make Mariette laugh, in hopes of shaking poor Barthas loose! This game of escalating hijinks culminated in Brock attempting to dive directly onto the poor woman's chest, and I was scarcely able to maintain my composure as we left. Baldwin, who left early, was as stone-faced as ever, which only served to worsen the laughter for all of us. We have together agreed that we should never bring this up to Barthas, and if you are reading this, I'm onto you, you old fox! I haven't forgotten everything from my old days...

The end of the day was just as wonderful, as Alya dropped by with news. I realized the poor girl was still just as nervous as ever, barely even able to speak - and I was making things no better with my own intense interest - so I decided to divert the topic toward getting to know her better. After all, she is quite lovely, and a kind heart, and I long for the companionship of one who knows a path other than the sword. We went out to drink and talk, and I had her show me some of her city, and I believe we have become closer for it.

I worry, at times, that I am being too forceful with Alya... She is shy, and I clearly make her quite anxious (I think it fair to assume she is as infatuated with myself as I am with her), which in turn causes me to worry and I must imagine we make for an awkward pair to behold. I hope that as we grow closer we may communicate more clearly, I think there are unspoken words between us both that should not be left to fester for too long.

Today was the kind of day that reassures me that escaping the Abyss was worth every tear and drop of blood. I would trade a thousand lifetimes for a day such as this.


Entry 5

I perhaps enjoyed myself too much, last night, for I spent a portion of this morning rather tipsy (though I found my way home) and, after briefly speaking to Mai, fell asleep for much of the morning.

I was awakened by Brock, who voiced great distress about our companions. We did not arrive one moment too soon, for we found our friends engaged in deadly combat with a fallen angel, one of the Devil Erinyes, known for their cruelty. I was able to smite and kill her, but not without her severely wounding Ceon and Mai's friend, a contact they were meeting about the "S.S." that have plagued us ever since we arrived.

I was able to secure the body for the church, in hopes that they would know what to do with the body of such a creature. It was something of a disturbing reminder of my own urgent quest... If I should be slain without my soul... I shudder at the thought of what would become of me.

We were paid well however, and so I decided to commission a new suit of armor from Kerrus, the local smith. He seemed less scared of me than usual, and I have seen first-hand the quality of his craftsmanship at work in the field. In the meantime, as I contributed my own armor to alleviate the cost, Brock has loaned me his old hides. I needed to make some adjustments to it, but it will serve me well in the meantime as I await the dwarf's work.

[There is an etching of a ring here]
Alya says this is a Ring of Protection

I found this ring with the Erinye. I brought it to Alya, along with my offerings, though it was difficult to enter, as there seems to have been a meeting of the... more extreme followers of Sarenrae. Some believe I am beyond redemption, and it is strange to think that for a moment, in the chapel of my goddess, I was in some of the greatest danger of my life... Seeing Alya was enough to lift my spirits, however.

When I returned to the marketplace to catch up with my companions, and return Simon (who had mistakenly followed me in Brock's armor), I encountered an unusual Drow woman operating a small shop. Taking the opportunity to buy a new winter cloak, I caught sight of a set of bear hides, which the woman, Ratha, seemed to imply she had hunted herself in the nearby area. I had hoped Panmore would not notice, but in approaching to greet me he too saw it, and I knew from the look in his eyes that he had made the same connection as I did.

I was able to calm him down, promising to help him investigate, before he took off to join the others in some sort of fight club. I never understood the idea of violence for sport, though I am sure it will help him to release some of his anger in a more healthy way than he would unattended.

Now I must be off to meet Alya. The drinking was... ill-advised, and I hope that she will be able to show me to someplace peaceful. I miss the smell of trees and the feel of grass, and I am certain there must be a garden or park in this city.


Entry 6

Today on my way home I ran into many of our party gathered in the marketplace, including Vivian, the Dhampir that had disappeared a few days prior. She seemed to be in good health, and as we were all in high spirits we went to the Clumsy Giant for drinks and a good meal.

We shared in stories of the night prior, and the others spoke of their homes. It would appear Brock has become enamored with a fire giantess he encountered at the fighting club with Panmore and Ceon - I wish him luck! Fire giants are a hard people, but from what Brock has told me of the Tannakins and their courting rituals, I think he shall have no trouble winning her over.

I was in good spirits, as the night with Alya was charming as usual, though I could not help but feel a tinge of envy for the others who spoke so highly of their homes - even Ornstain. All I have known, for centuries beyond even the life of Ceon, was the Abyss and the pain and abuse there... I had been to the material plane many times, but my eyes were clouded with evil intent.

When Alya showed me the beauty of the gardens, and could point to the stars, knowing them by their names, it was all I could do to hold back tears. She and others here are so familiar with such beautiful things they are practically commonplace... it is hard for me to grasp.

I dearly hope that one day I too might have a home here... a place where I truly belong. There is much to do before that day can come, but every day I feel it coming closer. I have learned much from my new friends, and they each hold a special place in my heart. Perhaps one day I will be able to properly thank them.

On our way home from lunch, we stopped briefly in the markets once again, to check up on various orders we had placed. Somehow, Panmore had slipped away from us and out of my sight, and before I could act, he had set upon the Drow woman Ratha with a great, uncontrollable rage. Me and Ceon were able to talk him down, although Ornstain landed a few blows on him in the struggle to separate him from the huntress.

After finally settling him, I personally interrogated the Huntress, and allowed Panmore to take a close look at the bear pelts. His suspicions were confirmed by both investigations, and I was able to convince Ratha to hunt Panmore's kin no more. I think I got through to Panmore... though I don't know that he fully understands. I feel awful for him... This is such a different place than he has known. I hope we can still teach him, if he still trusts us.


Entry 7

Love is in the air! And I will shamelessly indulge myself in it.

Today I, along with Vivian, Ceon, and later in the day Mai, were able to drop in upon the first outing between Heidi and Brock. They absolutely adore one another, and it shows with every action and word. Brock challenged Heidi to a drinking contest, clearly not knowing the potency of a Giant's alcohol, and nearly knocked himself silly on the first drink. It reminded me a bit of my first outing with Alya... Though I dare say she held her drink a little better than Brock did! She carried him out under arm like a prize hunt, and I am sure that Brock is having the time of his life right now - I know of the rowdiness of giants and their lovers. Hopefully Heidi will be gentle with him!

We then returned to the marketplace, somewhat hesitantly in light of the last day's events, and I was pleased to find that the mysterious distributor of animals had a similar story to my own - he was a redeemed Lich, perhaps as old as myself if not a bit younger, and was pleasantly conversational. I was even able to exchange a few words in my native tongue with him, though it was necessary for me to stop myself when I realized what it must have looked like to any passers-by - a demon exchanging Abyssal speech with a darkly robed man. I should hope to speak with him more another time.

And to speak of languages! I spied Panmore once again returning to the Drow woman Ratha. This time was different, however, as he was chattering up a storm, and I dare say the little charmer was flirting! Ratha seemed to react pleasantly, and I have certainly never seen a Drow woman blush so hotly in all my days. I was unable to pick up on much, as they were speaking in Elven, though I could make out a few words that confirmed my suspicions. At the very least, Panmore and Ratha do not seem to be at any risk of another encounter like the one yesterday. I will try to speak with him about it later, and perhaps I will make a note to try to refresh my Elven if that is the key to making conversation with him!

But I must be off. All this talk of love and courting reminds me of dear Alya, who I simply must share this with!


Entry 8

I dearly love Alya, and her pure gentle heart. She was distraught, when I met with her, over the Erinye Devil who I had brought to the chapel previously. It had not connected with me that the fallen angel Erinye might strike a chord with Alya, herself a half-angel. She expressed concern, similar to my own, that this poor beast could have herself been redeemed. I was able to comfort her, and I hope that this has not dampened her spirits too greatly. Once I got her back to her regular, adorable blushing self, I knew that at least for the moment all was well.

Though I would not have objected to simply wasting away the day in Alya's beautiful calming presence, I decided to press her about the local libraries that she had mentioned some days prior. Now that we were more comfortable together, I felt it would be a safe venture, and of course bring me closer to my soul and redemption. The library in question was very old, and apparently notorious for its profane contents. The profane contents were not exactly what I expected, as we encountered a Wraith lurking among the dusty shelves. Fortunately, both of us have been gifted by Sarenrae, and were able to make quick work of the thing. I must remember to thank Brock for the use of his armor - the claw marks that now mar it could very well have torn my flesh asunder.

We were able to peruse the shelves unmolested after that brief but startling encounter. May Sarenrae bless poor Alya's sweet heart, for she first accidentally (or perhaps deliberately? She does have a certain alluring mischievous streak) stumbled across a rather... complete collection of erotic literature, much of it illustrated and all of it of the sort that could have made me blush even a century ago. I must confess, and may Sarenrae forgive me, my own curiosity drew me to the books as well... The incident certainly seemed to distract the poor girl's concentration, as even when I found a text relevant to my search she seemed to be mostly interested in the... illustrations, of succubi.

The book itself implied a possible ritual, wherein I or perhaps many of us would be able to enter into a Demon Lord's soul vault where one could take a soul in order to lord power over whomever it belonged to. Unfortunately, there were no details on the specifics of this ritual or its requirements, and most of the books in the shelf that might have possibly aided me had been taken, possibly recently. I will have to continue my search elsewhere, and perhaps Alya will continue to be of assistance in this regard.

Perhaps influenced by Alya's... curiosity, or indeed my own passions, I seized the opportunity - as we were alone together in that place - to kiss Alya. Though I have given her many small pecks on the forehead, and other more playful signs of affection, this was an act of great passion, something... real.

It is no secret. Anyone can glance upon me and know, not a word spoken, of the many passions I sold myself into under abuse and sinfulness to entice others into unspeakable lusts and evil deeds. I despise those memories, and try always to think only of the 'good' ones and the people whom I met rather than... the intentions of my wicked heart.

This was the first kiss I have had, of my own free will, out of true love and passion for another. Alya was willing, and under no spell or illusion - and I was no servant of evil, no summoned lackey for a worker of darkness. I felt my heart flutter for the first time... Alya has opened my eyes to a world merely a few decades ago I would have thought myth, to feelings and emotions so alien and wonderful.

It was not the first kiss this night, and how dearly I pray that when we parted it would not be the last... And for once, somehow, part of me knew it would not be.

[Octavia has signed this one as usual, but has drawn a heart next to her name.]


Entry 9

The events of today and the last night have left me somewhat emotionally exhausted, though as always Alya has been able to lift my spirits enough that I can compel myself once again to write.

Beginning the night prior, we learned upon the night of the Hallowed Evening that a local noble, Lady Carhana (whose texts on diplomacy I highly recommend), had encountered an unnatural infestation in her mansion, causing the disappearance of many of her servants and great distress. We were recruited in person, due to her suspicions of an intervening third party, and offered great reward and free reign to make use of (and keep) any items in the mansion deemed useful.

The mansion was, itself, completely and utterly infested with the undead, many of whom bore the marks of Carhana's servants. We quickly dispatched them, as well as a wraith, only to go on to find even more wicked abominations summoning a spectre, including a werewolf and several lemures, the least of devils... but still dangerous. Though the summoner of these beasts vanished before our eyes, we were able to dispatch them. The spectre landed a wicked blow upon me, reminding me unhappily of the great danger I am in every day I walk this plane without my soul... The thought troubled me for the entire night.

At their forefront was a vampiric lord, though Ceon was able to break his curse and subdue him with relative ease. Ornstain took the lead to immediately question him, getting very little information of use out of him as it appeared he was simply buying time to regenerate and escape. I was more concerned with Panmore, who had little understanding of the undead, devils, or Ceon... I think the poor dear was completely confused and a little terrified at the end of it all, though we were at least able to explain Ceon's curse in a satisfactory manner.

I chose to depart early, as the others seemed content to devolve into the usual theorizing and arguments, and it was Hallowed Evening! I have never celebrated it before, so I looked forward to a night with Alya. Aside from an... awkward misunderstanding involving a book I had brought as a gift (I forget that Alya is less... familiar with these things, though I discovered later that she enjoyed it just as I had hoped) the night was lovely. I was somewhat intoxicated for much of it, though I was able to convince Alya to teach me once again to speak Elvish. Áre is Daylight, which I have since started to call her, a sort of pet name to remind her... and myself. It also brings that beautiful blush to her cheeks and a smile to her face, which I would not trade for all the world.

The morning was... worse. I do not wish to write about it at any greater length than I need to, suffice to say I experienced a horrendous mental breakdown in the company of my friends. I spoke to Alya and she was able to help me... She is gentle, and has a soothing touch, something even my own friends lack (by no fault of their own, mind). Sometimes I worry too much... the old memories are not happy ones, and of late it has been too easy to slip into them. What I have now, even in the face of what I must still do, is so much better, and it is people like my friends and my Áre who will help me to remember.

I was able to speak to Panmore and his friend, Ratha, now that my memory of Elvish has been refreshed. Panmore is surprisingly sweet for his rustic appearance, and I think it has won over Ratha. The two of them get along wonderfully, and I can tell that they share something special, though it is a bit difficult for me to determine what, exactly - even in their fluent tongues they are both a little odd, which I think makes them perfect friends. Out of thanks, as I have recently received a very generous payment from Lady Carhana, I commissioned a dress from her - She works with a remarkably smooth and comfortable silk, presumably naturally as a drider, and I would like something beautiful to wear for Alya. It has been a long time since I have ever owned such a thing... I can scarcely contain my excitement.

While she was taking my measurements, Panmore ran into Alya, whom he was delighted to find also spoke Elvish. I thought he had already known of our relationship, but it seems only today he put things together - calling her my "mate" and asking about "cubs" - and embarrassed poor Alya to the point of fainting! Ah, sometimes I wonder what I will do with either of them, Sarenrae bless their innocent hearts. Panmore seemed to like her, which I take as yet another sign that she is the right one... I find that he is a good judge of character, as he has no false motives and seems to see right through people.

Panmore gave me something he seemed to wish for my help with, a scroll he specified as being a secret that he commissioned from Mariette. I will not betray his secret here in writing, but I think I understand what he wants to do, and hope that I will be able to live up to the faith he has put in me. I believe what he saw in the mansion has inspired him with a new way to look at his rather unique... situation.

I retired early, as I was greatly exhausted, though I was not too early to see the halfling, Dagen, preparing for a date of his own. I suspect the little rogue had other plans as well, but I could not help but be at least a wee bit excited - the emotions from such things are contagious, for me!


Entry 10

Today Shiva struck out against us. It appears that she has been using Mai's friend, Gareth, as a scrying medium to spy on our every move. Ceon came upon the thought in the middle of the day, and as we returned to question Barthas about possible wards, Ceon received a threat from Shiva herself, claiming that Hell would follow her. I had the feeling this was literal, and was soon proven correct.

We gathered together the entire guild to defend our guildhouse against an army of devils, including many fallen Erinyes and the merciless Bearded Devils. They numbered in great multitudes, and the sky itself was bloodied by their accursed presence.

Sarenrae was with us, however, for we prevailed against all odds. We each received our wounds, but for each blow they struck against us we struck them thrice more. As the dust settled and the few remainders fled or were stricken down, I found that all of us were still alive, if a little worse for wear.

In celebration, I treated Panmore to his first alcohol - A Fey Cider from some unknown plane - It was remarkably potent... Perhaps too much for him. He did some things he will most certainly regret, and I think he frightened poor Ratha who seemed intent on saying something to him... I hope they might still remain friends after this. I hope I can help him.

I was myself distracted however as Alya had followed us, fearing for my safety... Barthas had told her, apparently, of our dire situation. I was myself thankful that she was still okay, and that Shiva and her devils had not done anything to endanger her. I love her so dearly, and I grow ever more terrified of what could happen if anyone ever let our love slip to the wrong ears... She is not a warrior, and Devils... Just the thought works me into a mood...


Entry 11

[This page is wrinkled as if someone sobbed into it]

I am so embarassed

I feel so awful

It wasn't my business

I'm so sorry Panmore


Entry 12

Ratha has forgiven me, and all is right once again... at least with my conscience.

We discovered today that Ceonoral had gone on his own to fight Shiva without notifying or consulting with the rest of us... and as a result, he too has been possessed as Gareth was. We were able to beat back the influence temporarily, and Ceon seems strong of mind enough to keep her at bay... But we are no longer safe in the guildhouse.

Our guildmaster, Barthas, has embarked with one of the local merchants on a quest to recover his spellbook that we might finally be able to turn back Shiva's sorcerous influences and begin once again our pursuit to end her organization once and for all. He has embarked on this mission alone, suggesting that it is in fact him who is Shiva's target, and has left us to our own devices. Some members of the guild have started to fall out with one another, though I myself think that I remain in the good graces of my companions. It worries me to see them in such low spirits... I pray that Sarenrae might be able to mend their hearts and restore their minds in this time of rest.

For safety, many of us are departing the city for a few days - staying close, but not within. Brock and Heidi seem intent on visiting the mountains, and I was able to warn Panmore to take Ratha to safety. I am taking Alya... I admit fully that it may well be my own paranoia, but in light of what has happened to my friends I can no longer bear the thought of her, a total innocent, being in danger purely by association with myself. Though I fear I lack the power myself to turn away Shiva I find some comfort in Alya being... close to me. She thankfully understood my fears, and I believe she has also been worried for too many days, and was willing to leave with me. She has inherited a small cottage some ways out of town, and we will depart for there soon.


Entry 13

Sarenrae blesses my life with oddity and wonder each day!

We arrived at Alya's cottage this morning, a beautiful if rather surprisingly elegant affair that is thoroughly secluded from any dangers. She indicated it was something her mother commissioned shortly before she died, a use of money apparently left behind by her mysterious father. It is a shame she knew very little of him - her angelic ancestry fills me with curiosity, and yet when she speaks of him I cannot help but sense pain in her voice...

We had hardly gotten settled into the lodging when we were accosted by another of Sarenrae's gifts to me - A rather talkative Nightmare named Sabina. She indicated that she was sent to protect me and my loved ones, chosen for her similar background to my own as a fellow escapee of Hell. It was pleasing to hold a conversation in my native tongue once more, with one who is also unbound by the dark origins that spawned it. To my surprise, Alya also speaks very fluent Abyssal - She was able to keep up with me and Sabina just fine, though I fear that the Nightmare's startling appearance gave the girl quite a fright. Tonight I would like to see what other surprises she might have in store... Alya is not nearly as simple as she might appear, and I find it... exciting.

Sabina has taken up a patrol around the cottage, once again assuaging my fears and reminding me of Sarenrae's ever-watchful mercies. For once, after so many days of worry and paranoia, I know that my wonderful Áre (who at this very moment has dozed off in my arms and makes writing somewhat complicated to achieve) is safe. As I sit here now, in this small secluded cottage, holding the most precious thing in my life, watching the sun paint the sky in a dazzling orange palette, and listening to nothing more than the rustling of the trees... I feel at peace. I dream that when the day comes that my soul is secured and I can lay down the blade, that I might spend all my days as this, no longer worried about the day it must end.

But for now I am satisfied to indulge in this taste of heaven, and rest that my heart may be restored and I can continue to grow closer to my beloved angel. I pray that as we all take our rest, Sarenrae might bless all my friends with a happiness as this - it is a treasure invaluable.


Entry 14

Áre and I have spent the last week here in safety, and the days here in our secret home have been wonderful beyond words. Some mornings I awaken next to her and think it too good to be real, that any moment I might snap forth from the dream I have been granted - and yet when I kiss her she does not vanish away, and the peace of the gardens remains unbroken. I must admit however - and I say this only in the privacy of my own writing! - that some of these past nights Alya has made me wonder if one could truly call what we are doing "rest" in the... traditional sense. She is so full of passion and energy!

In spite of my bliss here, I had grown concerned for my friends who remain in Cetlicca, and so with Alya's permission I took Sabina for a brief excursion back into the city, where I might be able to check on the guildhouse and my friends. It turns out I was not the only one with such concerns, as I came across Brock and Simon running the same errand. We also met Baldwin, who seemed to be in the same shape we left him and was able to confirm that the others were fine.

I also met a new woman, an Undine named Dara who possesses a musical talent and many unusual magical gifts as well - namely her ability to assume the form of some sort of... shark? This form she referred to as Mako, suggesting an alternate identity if not an entirely alternate personality. She was in need of work, and while I lacked the authority to hire the woman into our guild I offered to vouch for her when (or perhaps if) Barthas returns.

We learned through her, however, that Mai has departed from our company. Dara had experience with her and her brother both, and seemed to suggest that we were fortunate that she left early before she did any harm. While this sentiment seems to match my own experiences with the girl, and certainly the expressed opinions of the others in the guild, I cannot help but feel a kind of sadness and pity. I pray as always that Sarenrae might guide her to the light of redemption - If she could accept me in my wickedness then I feel there is nothing that Mai could do to be totally irredeemable.

I was able to pick up something for Alya while I was in town, upon the recommendation of the jolly shopkeeper Oeghemar. He seems to know everyone quite well, and was able to suggest to me something called "Candied Cloud," which he happened to know was a particular favorite of Alya's. This visit has assuaged my worries, and I look forward to the next few days with dear Áre now that I know my friends remain safe.


Entry 15

All good things must come to an end, I suppose. After another week of relaxation, Alya and I decided it was time to return to our respective duties in Cetlicca. The break was great for both of us, and I look forward to a day when we might once again be able to make such a retreat. I still felt somewhat uncomfortable, as I kissed her farewell... I dread the thought of leaving her alone. I have scarcely brought her within the sight of my own guildmates, out of my own paranoia that one errant word could one day endanger her. I pray every day that Sarenrae continue to watch over her, for the protection of the Dawnflower is far greater than anything I could ever muster.

It seems once again my timing was impeccable, as the others had also decided to regroup today, meeting together briefly at the Temple of Abadar to discuss various minutiae about Shiva (I find it rather tiresome business, as the plotting never gains traction until Barthas gives us instruction, it seems) before going to the guild house. I was able to briefly check in on Gareth and Ceon, who it seems have bonded over their mutual... affliction, and even found ways to make light of such a dark circumstance. I admire their bravery... Perhaps one day we can all have the courage to play chess in the presence of our enemies. This visit was brief however, as it appears we have received a... gift, from Lady Carhana. It seems we have been rewarded with a new guildhall, and this one is... a considerable step up from Barthas' lodgings in the slums. We wasted no time moving, and I was able to secure for myself a rather cozy room in the upper floor. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but a woman has her needs. Perhaps now Alya will be able to visit more comfortably~

We celebrated with a little feast. The new girl, Dara, has a talent for cooking, and together we were able to prepare quite a spread! I even was able to remember a recipe for a spice mix from the Abyss - I do not miss the place, but mortal food makes me long for just a bit of the tastes! It seems however this was something of a mistake, as it was perhaps too strong for many of my friends. I know their reactions were not meant out of any unkindness, if perhaps a bit blunt, but I cannot help being hurt by it a bit... I forget sometimes that they do not see me as their friend so much as a guildmate... another hired blade in their midst and a demonic temptress at that. Not all can trust me, and... I suppose there is nothing I can do about it, no matter how hard I try. I suppose in many of their eyes I am no more than an emotional sword arm. I had left Alya at the Chapel, and so I had only Sabina to confide in, but Dara and Master Brock both came to comfort me... I do not know enough of Dara to know whether she trusts me or only has some sense of pity, but Brock is a dear friend, and he was able to lift my spirits. We have... things in common, which I suppose would surprise anyone who glanced at us. He does not always do right, but his heart and mind are strong and I believe that he truly is the only one among those I must labor with who sees an equal in me. We both fight for the same things in our own ways... Our loves and a new home where we might be able to live in peace and happiness with them. Well, peace may not be a goal of Brock's... but part of me thinks that deep down, he longs for it in his own odd way.

Today also, on a more positive note, I was able to bond a bit with Dara. The girl seems to be absolutely infatuated with Colin, another new arrival to our guild, and was unsure how to approach. With some guidance I was able to teach her to bathe, and loaned her one of my tunics for the time being - I dare say that she does it more justice than myself! She has much to learn, similar to Panmore, but something about her tells me... she is eager to do so? I wish her well in her endeavors, and I am interested to learn more about her and... "Mako," a concept I do not yet fully understand. I cannot say for sure whether she will have any luck with Colin, as I know neither of them to any particular extent... But I wish her well from the deepest part of my heart. She has an innocent air about her, one that I hope we can preserve as she works with us.

As I write this in my new bed, I feel... unsure. My daily struggles have always pushed my emotions to the edge, but this is a different sort of feeling. Today was a harsh reminder to me of where I stand with the others... but also a reminder of my worth. I... do not know what to think, or feel, to have experienced something like this so soon after my days with Alya. It is something of a whiplash.

I know it is not my place, but at times like this I wish I could know what Sarenrae plans for me...



Entry 16

[There is a careful drawing of a rose that fills this entire page.]



[Carefully folded behind this page is a precisely torn piece of parchment. It has a name written on it; once in elegant, fanciful calligraphy, once in neatly printed block letters, once in utterly unintelligible scribbling, and one more, in the unsteady but deliberate penmanship of a young child.

D-R-Y-P-H-Y-N-T-H.]


Entry 17

Today was an odd day of rather... bizarre happenings. We played a board game together, and oddly the game of all things was enough to snap Ornstain and Baldwin out of their dull, stone-faced Abadarite personas and enjoy themselves. Ornstain won, of course.

Most important of the day's events, Gareth lost his grip, slipping into the hands of Shiva for a moment, long enough to maim Brock with a fork. Fortunately Brock happened to be working with his traps, and so we simply tossed a net on him and talked him down. Vivian and I decided we would visit Hagaar and see if he could help us, as the threat Shiva - and by extension Ceon and Gareth - poses to us every day has become too much to ignore.

Hagaar offered to take both Gareth and Ceon into his care to find a solution, as well as keep them in safety without going so far as chaining them to a cellar or otherwise restraining them like prisoners. They found this idea surprisingly agreeable, as I had feared they would need to be convinced to stay with a lich, redeemed or otherwise. I wish them all well, and pray that Sarenrae keeps her watchful eye on the three of them.

I was able also to speak to Hagaar in private, a bit. Alya told me previously that she had helped him and Ratha with problems similar to my own. He is something of a kindred spirit - he and I are probably about the same age, and both come from very dark and wicked origins - and his advice was heartening. It is encouraging to know I am not alone in the struggles with the... powers that I have forsaken.


Entry 18

Today we finally set into motion a plan we had been working on... almost since the first day we met together. We have known for many days that the guard are corrupt, and that the corruption stems from their leader, a Commander Hart, and over the weeks have debated many ways we might approach and interrogate him. Shiva has once again been brought to the forefront of our minds after yesterday's incident with Gareth, and while we are now safer with Gareth and Ceon in the custody of Hagaar, the danger builds. Brock was impatient with waiting for Barthas, and so he pressed us to set into motion his plan to infiltrate the guard and find enough information to leverage against Hart.

Baldwin, Ornstain, Panmore, and I were immediately ruled out as too obvious to participate in this scheme - and so we were delegated to backup. Instead, Colin, Brock, and Dara would attempt to join the guard, where they could attempt to investigate Hart further. However, the briefings from Ornstain proved to be more true than we had anticipated. Only Brock, Dara, and Colin truly know what happened in the guardhouse, but it clearly went awry very quickly, as within only a few minutes we were needed to intervene.

The guardsmen, fortunately, were all less than willing to fight us with any true vigor, and so with some convincing I talked them out of violence - though I was unfortunately too slow to prevent some serious maiming and one severe casualty at Brock's hands. Commander Hart was also apprehended, thanks to Orn's quick feet and Colin's quick thinking. He was uncooperative, but Ornstain is an Inquisitor - he will get his answers one way or another.

We also were able to redeem the guard, Sarenrae be praised, as Ornstain and Baldwin were able to officiate a renewing of their oaths. I think that, while there will certainly be bumps, we can finally fully trust the city guard again. While I think the Abadarites are suspicious, of course, it is uplifting to see that a willingness to forgive is starting to show itself in their hearts. Hopefully this does not cause them to lose any face in their order... I only desire to lessen the grim impact of death upon the lives in this city.

Brock seemed very torn about the slain guard - the man had been split in half rather gruesomely, and though I was not present, it seems the circumstances were less than honorable... He was nearly inconsolable. It seems, however, that Ornstain was agreeable to making use of the now disgraced Commander Hart's ill-gotten gains to fund a resurrection. The guard will live, though he is still in recovery, and I think this is the first time I have seen tears from the mighty Brock!

I spoke briefly to Ratha on my way home. She seems to blame herself for the bear attack Panmore spoke of last night... I do not know well enough to be certain, but something tells me it is simply a misunderstanding between the two, as both of them have a charming awkwardness to their speech that I am sure obscures much of what is said. Hopefully they will be able to clear it up together.

At the end of our day we met a new guild member, courtesy of Hagaar - A tiefling named Belladonna. She is rather timid, and I fear the group may have come off... rough. I was able to talk with her briefly (and confirm she was not one of my own offspring), and I hope that I might get to talk to her some more when Brock is not extracting bolts at the dinner table...


Entry 19

Today was a tumultuous one, and as such I feel it is only appropriate to keep this entry brief. The main event of note was Inquisitor Ornstain's near execution of the former guard commander, whom he had elected to interrogate in the main living area of our guildhouse, which was only prevented by the intervention of Shiva. Before the blow could be landed, she struck the man dead with a fireball seemingly from out of nowhere. I was not present at the time - Thankfully so. The way that this business is being handled does not sit right with me... I am aware of the role Inquisitors play, and that he operates by a different code than my own, though the idea of enacting such profound cruelty in the name of justice strikes me as hypocritical at best.

I do not wish to sunder the guild, however, and am aware that I am (or at least seem to be based on all appearances) a minority in my opinions on the methods of Ornstain's interrogations. But I cannot in good conscience live in the same building where such things are occurring, particularly when the man murdered in it was very recently demonstrated to be possessed with the same sight of Shiva that afflicts Gareth and Ceoneral. For the temporary duration I have chosen to stay with Alya, both in her home and in her duties at the chapel, where I might be able to put my mind at ease in her presence while also being able to more closely protect her.

Panmore also had an... odd experience with Ratha. I came upon Ratha attempting to... kiss? a struggling Panmore, who as soon as I arrived was gripped with confusion and fright and darted away. It seems Ratha's feelings were much stronger than his own, and the poor girl is heartbroken. I was able to catch Panmore back at the guild house and... explain things to him. I think he understands now how to explain himself to Ratha, and I believe he understands what happened as well... I hope that this does not ruin their friendship.

In a more positive light, Panmore seems to have started learning to speak Abyssal in order to talk with me in my language, similar to how I refreshed my Elvish to speak to him. He is still learning, but expressed a great willingness to do so. I offered to help him wherever he needed it, and I hope to see his Abyssal improve as his Common has.


Entry 20

I have spent the past few days with Alya - still in town, should the guild have need of me - keeping watch over her and spending my days in the chapel researching my plight, hidden away from the prying eyes of those who would misinterpret a demonic presence in their chapel. The work has been slow, but I find the moments of peaceful silence in the presence of Sarenrae... refreshing. I spend the mornings in meditation and careful study, and in the evenings I walk my Áre home where I can sleep peacefully knowing she is right within reach.

In our time alone together, I've started talking her into teaching me Celestial. On... certain nights... she has uttered words of it that have piqued my curiosity, it is a beautiful language. As much as I like to speak my own tongue, there is... an appealing elegance to the tongue of angels. It comes so naturally to her, and I would love to hear more of it in her soft, sweet voice.

On the same topic of language, today Panmore came to visit me during my study, seeking my help in his Abyssal studies. The poor boy struggles with the pronunciations a lot, and guiding him through it reminds me of my first days in the monastery learning Common... the poor priestesses that tried teaching me verb tenses had no idea what they were in for! But yet I still prevailed, aside from my ever-present accent, and so too do I hope Panmore can overcome his struggles. I look forward to one day being able to converse with a dear friend such as him in Abyssal - Áre can speak it quite well but I must confess she seems very uncomfortable doing so for any prolonged period of time, and I hate to do that to her. Panmore on the other hand I think well understands my longing for a comfortable tongue more so than anyone else I know, and I appreciate his effort.

We did not get very far however before Pan was gripped with what he described as a sudden and piercing headache, accompanied by a vision of a hooded man speaking to him... saying something about protecting him. I detected no evil presence, thankfully, and as we were in a sacred place, it was no influence of Shiva... though this did not keep me from being concerned. Judging by what I know of his past - relatively nothing aside from that he was raised from as young as he can remember by bears - I felt it was safe to presume this vision was from one of the nature sages, a druid. He knew of no druids he had recently encountered, and so we extrapolated another step forward, that it may be some key element of his origins... his father, perhaps?

This potential clue was followed by another, more grave one. As I attempted to discern where we might find an elven Druid in Cetlicca, Panmore described a very... vague fight of some kind with a bull-man(), wherein he apparently blacked out and could not (or would not) recall any specific details. He mentioned Vivian was with him, and before we could even rise to seek her out she found us. Apparently Baldwin has began to enforce a rule that no one leave the guild house alone, and she was seeking out Panmore. Vivian was able to describe the incident further, detailing that Panmore had entered an enraged state wherein he grew claws and began to attack mindlessly. She seemed convinced it was a Druidic origin, but I cannot help but worry... such a state is dangerous, and growing claws is a supernatural trait that could not be easily explained. Perhaps I am thinking too much about Abyssal, but I cannot shake the worry that Pan could have some kind of fiendish taint to his blood...

Vivian was however fully on board with the idea of researching Pan's heritage more closely, and I was able to convince her to reach out to our noble contact, Lady Carhana, and find out about the possibility of any major elven houses who might have druids in their employ. I would have liked to do it myself, but alas, the combination of my heritage and my profession makes any sort of dealings with the nobility... awkward at best. Countess Vivian, on the other hand, can mingle with her peers with great ease. I took advantage of this opportunity to make a personal request as well, as I owe much of my diplomatic technique to what I learned in the monastery from Carhana's writings. I do hope Vivian will be able to get my old treatise signed! It would be one of my greatest treasures.

Vivian also tasked me with a rather... uncomfortable task in regards to Panmore's... lifestyle that I do not wish to write down, but suffice to say was a rather awkward experience and I spent much of the rest of that day in the chapel apologizing profusely to Sarenrae that such a conversation had to occur under the roof of one of her chapels, though thankfully it was brief. Alya on the other hand thinks it was hilarious, and regrets that she had other duties which kept her from bearing witness to the spectacle. Only Panmore, me, and Sarenrae will understand how uncomfortable it was.

Altogether, today was a lovely surprise. I miss the oddities of my guild mates, and hope that soon we will be able to safely meet together again without the risk of a major disagreement or move from Shiva to keep us on edge. For now, all I can do is keep my Áre safe and await the formulation of a plan that might allow us to finally start putting Shiva on the defensive, that we might all be able to go a day without fearing for our loved ones or friends.



Entry 21

This was an exciting day! I received a visit this morning from Countess Vivian, who informed me of a plan that Lady Carhana had formulated to invite us to a masquerade ball - this was, of course, a cover for her true intentions of allowing us to find out more about Shiva's inner circle. We are aware there is at least one other vampire among Shiva's lieutenants, whose identity we hope to uncover discreetly at this event. Countess Vivian intends to bait the vampires through her family's reputation, with Ornstain as her bodyguard and the rest of us present to assist if needed.

I must admit that I have something of a selfish interest in this as well - I have never been to such an event as an... honest guest, and I am somewhat excited to experience one for the first time as... myself. My love of formal events is at fault, I suppose. It is no secret that I love to dress up, and I think Vivian shares at least some of my excitement in spite of her apprehensions about the presence of vampires.

Countess Vivian was also able to get me something from Lady Carhana - When she met with her, she was able to get the Lady to sign my copy of her treatise on diplomatic techniques. Lady Carhana was one of my biggest inspirations when I was only an initiate, and her thoughts have been a great influence on my own philosophies. This means more to me than perhaps Countess Vivian understood - I hope if I meet Carhana at the ball I will be able to contain myself.

On the topic of the ball it became apparent that we would need to help certain others in the party to get more... formal. Masters Panmore and Colin soon came to visit me this afternoon. Colin and I were able to give Panmore a haircut and a shave, and I must say the simple change has worked wonders for our dear elf. Colin pointed out that, with the beard removed, Panmore and I had very similar facial structure.... amazing what a beard can hide.

I felt it would be unwise to take Master Panmore to Ratha for the purposes of clothes, so we instead went to Ludvantya where we were able to find a young pixie dressmaker who had exactly what Panmore needed. I admit, seeing Panmore cleaned up and formal, handsome and awkward in his new clothes, made me feel a certain pride inside... He has come so far since the first days I had met him.

While taking Panmore to Ratha for clothes seemed like a poor choice, I felt he would be able to accompany me to pick up my dress. Once again, Panmore made me proud - he handled his apology like a true gentleman, and while Ratha may still hold sadness in her heart, I believe that they will remain steadfast friends, perhaps even better ones now that the mist has cleared. It certainly did not negatively impact dear Ratha's craftsmanship - the dress she created is absolutely wonderful beyond what I had imagined! It took some help to get into - my wings and tail and... proportions make things tricky - but the end result is stunning. I can't wait for Alya to see it... I love to see her flustered.


Entry 22

It is interesting how Shiva has, in a roundabout way, created the solution to many of my dilemmas. Today after a short and uneventful visit to the guildhouse, wherein I had explained myself somewhat more clearly to Countess Vivian, I had scarcely returned to the Chapel before she and Panmore had caught back up to me, saying that Ornstain had deciphered encoded letters we had confiscated from the former Commander Hart. We needed to plan an offensive, and so I was being called back to my companions.

To my surprise, Alya was fully willing to stay with me at the guild house, at least temporarily, while we formulated this plan. Alya was even willing to join us in this pursuit, expressing a boldness and confidence I have not seen from her before. She is brave... I must confess that my own fear for her safety may have blinded me to her own capabilities. This is her city, and Shiva threatens her friends as well as my own. And Sarenrae protects us both.

I had to explain a few things to her, as we are an odd guild, but I think that she is going to fit in just fine with the others here. She is a clever, capable girl, and will be able to hold her own. I hope that Vivian will come to trust her however, I fear she has some suspicion towards her as a Priestess of Sarenrae - understandably, I suppose.

(I must confess in the secrecy of these pages - I am quite enjoying Áre's newfound confidence. I hope we were not too loud...)


Entry 23

Today has been something of an... introspective one. My heart is heavy for my friends, and I fear I have no easy words for any of them, only my prayers that they might find peace with themselves.

Vivian and I accompanied Dara on an errand to deliver a letter to her home, only for her to hear the unsettling news that her home village has been completely eradicated for some years now. I was able to hear much, and Vivian and I were only barely able to restrain the poor girl from going into hysterics. Dara seems to hold herself responsible for the loss of her home, though I am afraid I find the concept of her... bond, Mako, to be a confusing one and am unsure how much of what she says of this is truth and what is hysterics and guilt.

Vivian's skills were more helpful here, as she offered to help Dara to make contact with her parents in the ethereal plane. I find this an odd solution, but I feel it would help Dara much to be able to reconcile, regardless of the circumstances of her separation from her kin.

When we returned home, Vivian was more... open with me than she has been of late. I was able to learn much about her childhood... that she, apparently, was never allowed to express emotion as a child should, even having it forcefully suppressed by her father. She never knew her mother, which I feel was perhaps a deliberate arrangement by the father... Nothing Vivian has said of Count Blackwell has suggested that he saw her as anything more than a political tool. I was filled with questions, but... I am unsure of how much I can pry. Something about Alya has made Vivian more cold toward me than usual, though she will not express what it is, and I do not know that there is anything I could do to relieve her paranoia of me or my Áre, other than simply prove them to be wrong by deeds.

I find myself, strangely, thinking of my own children in all of this talk of parenting. It is no mystery that I was no mother to the children I bore, merely serving the Abyss and spreading the taint of fiends with no regard for where it fell. I... regret that this is, perhaps, how most all of my children most likely remember me if at all. By my estimation, there would only be a handful of them living now, particularly the twins who I bore the last. I wonder, if I could ever find any of them, if they could forgive me.

To be honest, I don't even know if I have forgiven myself.


Entry 24

We launched our first offensive against Shiva's Syndicate today, striking at one of her warehouses with great speed and force with an almost rehearsed precision. Alya proved herself to be fully capable in such a situation, even earning the praise of Inquisitor Ornstain. I hope that I will be able to worry about her a little bit less now... though that may be a vain undertaking for myself wherever my Áre is concerned.

I am afraid my account of the aftermath will be one of the least helpful, as what I discovered has overtaken almost all of my memory of this day with the most dreadful of thoughts. As we cleared the warehouse, Colin and I discovered a summoning circle - not an Infernal one, as devils use, but Abyssal. It was still active, and thus I set upon the task of clearing it the moment I laid eyes upon it. As I destroyed it, I was.... touched, by a hand with which I am all too familiar. I knew in that moment that he had found me, the one whom I have gone through such sufferings and misery to escape... I was able to remain stalwart in appearance, for I did not wish to cause panic among my companions, but in my mind there was only indescribable terror.

It is my greatest weakness, I would be dishonest to say anything otherwise of it. The cruel, black-hearted grip of centuries on my heart and mind is one with which I have struggled ever since the day I escaped. His voice and touch haunt me relentlessly, making each moment a battle with temptation and sin, a struggle that I cannot even describe in all the tongues I know. Internally it is all I can do to suppress him, and so it is... easy to cause my emotions to burst forth, externally. The teachings of the sisters at the monastery, my studies and meditation with Sarenrae, the encouragement of my friends of the order, and now the gentle touch of my beloved Alya all help me in this fight, and yet it is only I that can win it... but I lack that strength.

Thankfully Sarenrae guided me to Alya, and we were able to find our way home. Alya is one of the few in whom I have been able to fully confide my past with... him, and so I was able to be more... honest with her. Though she is often timid, I find time and time again that her faith in Sarenrae gives her a bravery I have seen in no one else. I am safe with my Áre, and somehow, even though the fear still pounds at my mind, I have a... clarity of thought. Alya is right, Sarenrae protects me, and my fear of him only gives him power over me... I pray that one day I too can face my hatred and fear with the same confident courage as her.


Entry 25

Today I woke up quite early, and took it upon myself to pay a visit to our dear friend Vivian, who of late has been absent from our presence for reasons I shall delve into in the ensuing, suffice to say that she seems to take solace in the silence and cold of the dead. This would normally be a note of concern for me, but as I have been learning with Vivian she is not exactly what could be considered a "normal" person any more than myself.

She was in the crypts of Alya's chapel, a reliable place, and seemed to be in quite good spirits, particularly for her regular disposition. She was composing a letter for Alya as I arrived, detailing some missing names and unknown graves which she had made use of her... talents... to resolve. She gave the letter to me with instructions to deliver to Alya, before we briefly discussed the nature of her absence. I possess, admittedly, a less than pedestrian understanding of the arcane arts and the practitioners thereof, and thus found the details... confusing, but it seems that the fusion of Dara and Mako into "Mara" (Mara explained this to me previously, though I fear my own comprehension is lacking at best) has caused unease for Vivian, who already dislikes Mako (for reasons that are shocking and I intend to verify) and finds the process eerily similar to a sort of 'domination' of Mako over Dara. For this reason she elected to stay in the crypts, though I think she will soon be comfortable with our presence again enough to stay put. Her tendency to go off on her own, while I understand it, is one that makes me worry for her safety and soundness of mind. I wish I knew better how to speak to her...

When I returned I shared the letter with Alya, only to fall fast asleep on her shoulders the moment I climbed back onto the bed. Perhaps I should have slept in today. Regardless, when I woke again, Alya had gone and I was once again left to my own devices. The rune giantess Vesna has been on my mind much of late, and so I departed with intent to talk to her about the suspicions the guild holds toward her and perhaps find another to confide in, as one "monster" to another. Alas, Baldwin followed me closely and while the conversation was still pleasant (and Baldwin's witness may indeed help her case as the Abadarites pay no heed to me nor put any faith in my words) I will need to find a better opportunity to attempt to make a friend that doesn't come across like an Abadarite business deal.

Vesna was concerned with Colin, and so we made an effort to get him out of his room to speak with her, only to find the entire room had been frozen and sealed from within. A great melancholy seems to have set upon Colin, and with the help of Vesna I was able to speak to him privately, one on one, in attempt to lift his spirits - only to be once again intruded upon by Baldwin, who directly ignored the obviously private and personal nature of our conversation and forced it to an end. Fortunately Vesna was able to pick up and take Colin with her, where hopefully she was able to lift his spirits. She thinks the world of that boy...

Later in the day Alya returned, surprisingly having spoken to Vivian herself! While I still do not understand that woman's terror of Alya, it lifts my spirits to see that they do, at the very least, get along with one another. Perhaps one day she will be able to explain it to me rather than fleeing the room the moment I greet Alya...


Entry 26

Sarenmas is a most wonderful day!

Today was my first Sarenmas away from my brothers and sisters of the monastery and the order. My beloved Áre is the only Sarenite among us, and so out of respect for the Abadar worshipers we kept the decoration and celebration low-key. I did not wish for them to feel left out, however, and so I made a point to find gifts for each of our guild members. Gift-giving is, admittedly, something of a 'distraction' from the religious significance of the holy day, but there is no harm to be found in brightening the days of one's friends as I am certain I did with success. Even Vivian had a smile on her face, and Sir Ornstain of all people had gifts as well.

We all received an additional, unexpected gift this Sarenmas - our dear friend Gareth has returned from Hagaar, and seemed to be his usual old self (we found him sneaking in through the kitchen). Vivian and I were ecstatic, and I think we may have overwhelmed the poor lad. Thankfully I was able to improvise an additional gift for him as well, to welcome him back into our home.

Ah, but Sarenmas is not only about receiving new gifts, but to reflect with gratefulness upon what we already have. I thank Sarenrae, as I have every single day upon the rising and setting of the sun, for sweet, loving Alya, whom I cherish more than anything in the world. She has been a great blessing to me, and even now as I spend this holy day so far from my brothers and sisters, I can still feel as warm and loved as though I am at home. I pray also each day that I can be for Alya as she has been for me, and as she sleeps in my lap before the fireplace I feel I can safely say I am succeeding.

I wonder again too about my own children. I wonder if Sarenrae has heard my prayers for their safety and redemption, and what might have become of them, being abandoned without a mother to raise them... I know that Sarenrae has forgiven me, as Alya has reminded me each time I bring them up, but I find it hard to forgive myself. They were but innocent infants, cast aside by an evil mother who neither wanted nor cherished them, or worse. I have seen first-hand the way demons are treated, and tieflings are not regarded highly by society either. It is an impractical worry, I am aware, as to track down each one of my descendants on the material plane would be a task that dwarfs even my current goal to retrieve my soul, but alas nothing can truly stop my worrying. I can simply continue to pray that Sarenrae will find them as she has found me.

I hope that my friends of the monastery are all well, and that one day Áre will be able to meet them all. Oh the stories we could tell! I remember well how they teased me, to think the shades of crimson they would bring in poor little Alya! I wonder what they would think of me now, and how far I have come since the day I left for Cetlicca.

They were right about me. I wonder how they would feel now to know that...


Entry 27

[The penmanship of this entry is noticeably worse than Octavia's usual masterful handwriting]

He has found me.

Barthas... summoned us in a dream. I fear my own experiences with nightmares and visions made me nigh upon incoherent, but I was still able to hear what was said. He has sent his servants, Barthas claims to oppose Shiva but I know within my heart that I am just as much His purpose.

Barthas also told us the true nature of Shiva - a... fallen Solar angel, of sorts, former right hand of Abadar. Her fall is incomplete, as for whatever reason Abadar has not seen fit to act against her. Barthas claimed celestial politics, but part of me cannot help but wonder if she is, somehow, still operating within his law. There has not been one here with whom I have fully expressed my concerns with Abadar, but there has always been a certain uncomfortably... Infernal air about his brand of 'perfect order' that worries me.

I do not have the energy to write much more. I need sleep, and yet not a wink of it will come to me.


Entry 28

The exhaustion continues. Last night and today were taxing to my mind and body, and I can scarcely grip my pen. I shall keep this brief so that I might finally go to sleep, before poor Alya worries herself sick for me.

Last night Bella "introduced" Vivian and I to Vern, a shadow demon who escaped from the Abyss as I did. In the process, he accidentally traumatized Vivian and in anger I interrogated him, only to find he was telling the truth after all - but in this time I believe I upset Bella, who disappeared.

I spent the rest of the night searching the city for her, which accounts for my exhaustion, and was only able to make it back home with the guidance of Sabina. I had scarcely closed my eyes before I was once again awoken by Baldwin and Hagaar, chasing Vern through the house (who had sheltered in my room.) I was able to explain things, though fortunately Hagaar quickly took care of Baldwin's never-ending interrogations and allowed me to catch a few more brief moments of sleep.

I awoke once again to find a note left by Colin, indicating Bella had been found in some sort of old fort out in the forest, and so I went to meet them as quickly as I could. I arrived just in time to run into Mai, knocking her out with a few kicks from Sabina's flaming hooves, and dispatch an avatar of Shiva who appeared to face us in the dungeons of the fort.

Bella has now been returned to us, and Mai is in the custody of Hagaar who intends to release her from the grip of Shiva's influence as he has with Gareth and Ceon.

I, on the other hand, intend to sleep. Alya calls for me, and there is little I can do to resist her commands.


Entry 29

Panmore is my son

Panmore is my son


Entry 30

After the events of the ball, Alya has been watching and caring for me like a mother hen, clucking at me if I exert myself too much and showering me with affection and various herbal mixtures that have helped me greatly. I have used much of this time to bask in Áre's company, but I should not slack in my writing, particularly in the face of all that has happened to me in so few days.

The others had much more success at the, tracing the vampires' lair back to our old guildhouse, Barthas' home in the slums. We do not know what draws them to the place, but we believe it may have something to do with the attic, which Barthas kept tightly secured at all times. While I respect our master, I find that he is quite aloof, and it is probable that he has kept from us some vitally important knowledge (as wizards do) that, hopefully, will not come to bite us.

Candor (Panmore's "true" name if one might be able to call it that) has grown more comfortable with his new knowledge about... us, even going so far as to do more research himself. He has begun to remember much, particularly an "Uncle" Hasnael, who seems to be responsible for cleansing his body of the Abyssal blood he inherited from me. We even pinpointed his birthday as well as the day of his cleansing with the help of the librarian, Edward.

I wish to thank Sarenrae for answering my prayers, bringing me not one but three of my children, all of whom are not only in good health but are good people, unharmed by the prejudices tieflings face in this world. In spite of the... manner of this revelation, the comforts it brings far outweigh the stresses... Though I wonder if I shall ever get used to being called "Mom".

Alya and I now prepare to strike the vampires with our guild, as time is of the essence with this matter. She has done much to bring back my strength... I hope that one day after all of this is over I can begin to repay her kindnesses, in the time of peace we both fight for.